Photo Credit: V Magazine

Dear Hunter,
As a big fan of your music, your writing, your professional modeling, your—well, YOU!, I have to tell you what an honor it would be to have you analyze a picture of me. I have enclosed a cover I did for V Magazine. It was a fun photo shoot, but it was really long! If you could find the time between stops on your worldwide AFI tour to visit me during a future shoot, I would love to chat with you about things like veganism, espresso, Stevie Wonder, or even the Riemann hypothesis. I will have my people contact Buzznet to set something up with you. I look forward to hopefully meeting you.
Love,
Natalie
P.S. Please go easy on my photo analysis—I'd hate to be made fun of (even in a playful tongue-in-cheek way) by someone I admire so much!


Natalie,
You are truly mesmerizing in this photo. Was it uncomfortable to have a giant "V" around your neck during such a long photo shoot?
-H
P.S. The Riemann hypothesis!? I didn't know you were into number theory!


L-Gagz?!

What is it about Ms. Gaga that looks strange in this picture? Her outfit is typical. She's wearing her normal Ambervision/Blueblockers. Fishnets? Normal. Translucent beaded necklace as a dress? Typical. Hair straight out of Village of the Damned? Standard. Matching tail? Obvz. Wait! I know what it is! Her ears look a little pointy in this picture. The paparazzi must have caught her on a bad ear day. Whew! For a minute there I thought she had morphed into something much much cuter. Everyone can rest assured, nothing is out of the ordinary here. The Gaga is ok. Answer me this though: Why do I want to brush her mane and tail so badly?

Jo-Jo and D-Lov?!

Photo Credit: Getty Images

I remember a time when Disney used to exploit animals for profit. These animals were forced to film countless movies and tv shows as well as make special appearances daily at Disneyland. Somehow this was ok because these animals were not real animals. They were cartoons. However, the times have changed. Disney still exploits animals in the same animated fashion, but now Disney also churns out pop stars by the hand full—and oh what a hand full these two are! Joe and Demi have performed together many times, but now I hear rumors that they might also be dating?? To me, that's like hearing that Minnie Mouse and Goofy are dating—it's just not right! ...or maybe it's SO RIGHT. They do make a cute couple, don't they?

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself and Bcc me. If you didn't read the last Analyze This, you missed a classic. It was a Halloween "spooktacular". If you missed any of the prior weeks, you can travel back in time by looking in my journal section. Why not take a few minutes to read every single one? Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. [/cut]

The Old Bread Scam

Photo Credit: xris

"I love bread!!"
"I'll give you five dollars if you can put that whole loaf of bread in your mouth."
"You don't think I can do it?"
"Nope."
"Make it twenty."
"You got it."
"..."
"..."
[nom nom nom]
"I win!"
"Fine...here's your twenty bucks, kid...now get lost!"



"I Got Miley Eatin' Out My Palm"
I finally found the lyrics to this Biggie/Miley collaboration that was recorded in 1992, strangely enough, the same year Miley was born. She had a great voice as a baby. However, Biggie's lyrics are just downright creepy. You judge for yourself:

"Bitches in the back looking righteous
Miley's in a tight dress, I think I might just
Hit her with a little Biggie 101, How to tote a gun
And have fun with Jamaican rum
Conversations, blunts in rotation
My man Big Jacques got the glock in his waist and
we're smoking, drinking, got the hooker Miley thinking
If money smell bad than this nigga Biggie stinking
Is it my charm? I got Miley eatin' out my palm
She grabbed my arm and said "Let's leave calm"
I'm hittin' skins again
Rolled up another blunt, bought a Heineken
Niggaz start to loke out, a kid got choked out
Blows was thrown and a fucking fight broke out
Can't we just all get along?
So I can put hickies on her chest like Li'l Shawn
Get her pissy drunk off of Don Perrignon
And it's on, and I'm gone
that's that."

License to Drive Home

Photo Credit: Pete Wentz

Is this a scene from The Incredible Journey part 6 when they finally hot wired that sedan? I remember the pony drove, but she's probably cropped out of the photo. Now that I look closer, this might have been a "behind the scenes" photo from the pony's blog. I remember she was blogging a lot during the filming of the movie. I know what you're thinking, and no, ponies can't legally drive. That's why they attach the car to the back of a flatbed truck. They can mount cameras on the truck and shoot from various angles so it looks like the pony is driving. I see this sort of thing in Los Angeles all the time. It's just one of the many benefits of living in the movie capital of the world!

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself and Bcc me. If you didn't read the last Analyze This, you missed a classic. It featured R-Pattz and K-Stew!! If you missed any of the prior weeks, you can travel back in time by looking in my journal section. Why not take a few minutes to read every single one? Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. And it's on, and I'm gone. That's that. [/cut]

HEARTBURN GUN
Hunter Burgan's best name anagram is HEARTBURN GUN

Oh yes! Hunter Burgan's best name anagram is HEARTBURN GUN . But what is YOURS? You can find out in 5 seconds flat.. and no installation needed!

Sometimes, after eating spicy food, I really DO feel like a heartburn gun. This thing is scary accurate! It's also scary! I tried "Scary Ghosts" and got "GROSS YACHTS"!!! That's so true! I always see scary ghosts when I'm gross yachting! I decided to test it just one more time to make sure it's always so deadly accurate: Kristen Stewart's anagram name is "WET STINKERS RAT". Amazing! How do they know??!!


Let's call her Moon Child

Is this the Childlike Empress from the end (ironic?) of The Neverending Story? I was totally into her when I was a kid. She is now, of course, 37 years old and still an Empress, I assume. I wonder what she's up to these days. I heard she moved to Canada a few years back, but google can't seem to find anything useful about her. Do you think she's still childlike?

Bouncing is what (Young) Tiggers do best.

This is a scene from the upcoming Young Winnie the Pooh movie. I'm really excited about this. Apparently this clip was leaked before the trailer was out and isn't even authorized. In this scene, Young Pooh and Young Tigger are supposed to be taking a nap. Young Tigger (up to his usual hi-jinks!) can't sleep and is bouncing around, trying to wake Young Pooh up. I sure hope Young Christopher Robin doesn't find out!

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. Hell, why not just go ahead and email yourself, regardless? If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, you missed a classic. It was part pancake, part cat...and ALL syrupy. If you missed any of the prior weeks, you can travel back in time and find them all in my journal section. Why not take a few minutes to read them all? Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. [/cut]

Alright, who is the joker that put maple syrup all over this cat's body?! Just because his name is Pancake doesn't mean you should treat him like one! Do you know how long it's going to take him to lick all that maple syrup off?? All day! Luckily Pancake had no other plans and LOVES maple syrup.

King Douchebag

"Hey Spencer, I heard you want to legally change your name to King Spencer Pratt."
"Yeah, Heidi. I do. Isn't that cool?"
"Would that make me a queen?"
"No, babe, It would just be me."
"..."
"It's my time to be king. You can be a queen later."
"..."
"It's me, babe. I'm your king."
"..."
"I'm a king."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"JK (no, I'm not), babe! I love you."
"I love you too, S-Pratt!

Street Walking Cheetah with a Heart Full of Napalm

Who's that leather-clad lynx prowling through the streets of the city with a devil-may-care attitude? Why it's A-Wentz! Where are you going? Perhaps a concert at CBGB? Oh wait, I mean shopping at the John Varvatos store at 315 Bowery in NYC. Actually, you're probably in LA, walking to Melrose Place. The NEW Melrose Place. Nobody walks in LA, A-Wentz! Maybe you should get out of the street. That black SUV almost hit you!

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, you missed a classic. It was part past, part future...and ALL present. If you missed any of the prior weeks, you can travel back in time and find them all in my journal section. Why not take a few minutes to read them all? Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. [/cut]

Back To The Future??

I remember the first time I tried to assemble a time machine from scratch. It's actually a lot harder than you might think! This guy is off to a decent start with those green wires, but unless he solders the purple ones to a flux capacitor or something similar, he will only be able to travel forward in time...in real time! I wonder where (I actually mean "when") he wants to go. When would you travel to if you had a time machine?

Baaa??

"Baa, baaaaa."
"Baa, baaaaaaa."
"Baaa?"
"Baa, baaaaaa."
"Baa...baa? Baaa?? Baaa! Baaaa, baa!"
"..."
"..."
"Baa...baa BAA baa."
"Baa! Baaaa!!"

(English translation)
"Hey, I like your earring."
"Thanks, yeah I just got it."
"Is it gold?"
"No, it's just yellow plastic."
"Wait...what? Yellow plastic?? How trendy! Way to join the herd, sheep!"
"..."
"..."
"Uh...we ARE sheep."

"Oh duh! I always for get that!!"

Past Is...Future??


On first glance, this picture simply says, "Past is...future." which is completely silly. Everyone knows that past is only future when you travel backwards through time, which is a lot harder than you might think! On second glance, I noticed the black-on-black type and realized that the picture says, "Your past is somebody else's future." which is also silly. Then I thought about how if I were to write a book about my past, somebody else could read it in the future. This satisfied me and I almost let this picture go without criticism. UNTIL I READ THE FINE PRINT! When I realized the picture says, "wordboner.com" at the bottom, I decided that this picture will not escape my criticism. This picture is trying soooo hard to be deeply philosophical, but completely undermining its own profundity by including the word "boner", albeit in small print. Nevertheless, I don't ever want to see this picture again. If I see somebody wearing this picture on a t-shirt, I will punch the shirt off their body.


Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, you missed a classic. It was part cute, part controversy...and that's the way I like it. If you missed any of the prior weeks, you can travel back in time and find them all in my journal section. Why not take a few minutes to read them all? Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. [/cut]

Texas is the Reason?

I'd like to think that somewhere in an alternate universe, John F. Kennedy is alive and well. I'd also like to think that he and his wife, Jackie O, are doing a photo shoot dressed up like Gerard and Lyn-Z Way on the day of Gerard's brutal slaying.

If Looks Could Kill

Face Paint
noun
bold-colored paint used to decorate the face.

I think someone used this girl as a canvas. Jackson Pollock...was it you?? I can't blame him. There's something inherently nicer about starting with a pretty face as opposed to a blank canvas. The one problem, as far as I see it, is how to frame your work. You're going to need to frame this girl to put her in a gallery, but how? Maybe we could frame her for murder.

If Stereotypes Were a Cartoon

If websites were people, apparently they would all be white with a bit of an anime style. I guess facebook and myspace are virtually interchangeable. That doesn't surprise me. Twitter kid is spitting. Spitting out 140 characters? Wikipedia looks like a chubby confused Harry Potter. I love wikipedia...is that ME?! DeviantART has over 10 million members, and I guess they're all girls with purple hair. Why is the youtube guy so pissed off? Are youtubers angry? Did Fred rub someone the wrong way? Why is the google guy so bitter? I heard the google work environment was one to be coveted. If I wasn't a professional photo analyst, I would want to work for google. ...or maybe I would just want to BE google.

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, it's because there wasn't one. I took a week off. Deal with it. If you missed the week before then you totally missed the severed puppy head. You can find it in my journal section. Oh, and since so many people have been asking, the answer is yes...I'm currently looking for an intern. (Ghosts need not apply.) Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected.[/cut]

(picture found here on Buzznet)

"Hey Brian..." (He totally could be a Brian)
"Yeah what's up?"
"I want to take some photos of you."
"Oh is it for a class assignment?"
"No, just for fun. There's just one thing."
"What is it?"
"I don't know how to put this, Brian, but...do you own a comb?"
"A comb? Like on a rooster's head?"
"No, silly...like a strip of plastic with a row of narrow teeth, used for untangling or arranging your damn messy hair, you crazy fool!"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"I'm not kidding."
"..."
"JK! LOL!"
"LOLZ! ROMLF! FOLGAZM! MOLGZAMZO! GARMOLZAZMGAZM!!!!1!!"


One Man's Struggle To Take It Easy

Only in John Hughes' amazing world could a teenage boy have so much fun skipping school with his friends and a Ferrari. Wait a second...I bet we could have just as much fun! We just need to find a Ferrari. Does anyone have a 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California? Anyone? Anyone? We also need Grace (AKA Edie McClurg) because, as I understand it, she's a party animal. I won't worry about the skipping school part. I've been doing that for a while now. To paraphrase Abe Froeman, the Sausage King of Chicago, "Life moves pretty fast. You don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Rest in peace, John Hughes. Thanks for the memories.


Legalize Them

(picture found on cuteoverload.com)

I can't believe it's illegal to bring these things across the border. It's silly. By making the importation illegal, our government has created a heavy black market demand. They can't figure out a way to regulate and tax the importation, and they make more money by fining offenders and confiscating their stash. Just be careful when you go on a foreign holiday to NOT get caught with one of these in your back pack. Aside from fines, you could also face imprisonment. All for what? A cute severed puppy head?? www.LegalizeSeveredPuppyHeads.org


Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, then you totally blew it. It was 100% bitchin'. You can find it in my journal section, puppy. Oh, and since so many ghosts have been asking, the answer is still no...as a strict policy, I never hire ghosts. Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected. [/cut]

So So Bored

(Image featured on Buzznet)


"Hey girls, what do you wanna do today?"
"We could go shopping?"
"Yeah, I could use some new tops."
"I'm not feeling up to it."
"We could go to a museum?"
"Yeah, there's that new exhibition at the MoMA that I've been wanting to check out!"
"Not me, not today."
"Well then, Debbie Downer, what do YOU suggest we do??"
"Uh...we could dress up all pretty, sit on the edge of the gravel, and take pictures of ourselves looking so so bored."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Okay! Let's do it!"
"Let's do it!!"
[two girls enthusiastically exit]
"Wait! Girls! Come back! I was just kidding!"

Longest Fastest Hardest Softest Coldest Hottest

(Image from AFI's new website)

"Hey Hunter, do you want to analyze an image related to your new record?"
"Oh you mean Crash Love, the longest, fastest, hardest, softest, coldest, hottest album to be released by AFI in over 2 years?"
"Yeah, that's the one. I love it already, even though I haven't heard it yet."
"It will totally blow your mind..."
"..."
"...up."
"I want it to."
"Then get your copy on September 29th, 2009, or die!"
"Or die?"
"Yeah, did I overdo it with that one?"
"Just a bit, Hunter. Just a bit."

Let Them Eat Lenin!

(Picture was found here on Dangereousminds.net)

It's a little known fact that one of Lenin's dying wishes was to be sliced and eaten by the people of Russia. His last will and testament states that his body should be sliced and eaten 100 years after his death. He died in 1924, and Russia government officials have been carefully preserving his body in The Lenin Mausoleum at Red Square, Moscow. Unfortunately, perhaps due to unforeseen climate changes, Lenin's body started to go bad last month. Officials decided to salvage what they could of Lenin's body and throw an impromptu "Let them eat Lenin" party in Moscow this week. It was unanimously decided that eating some Lenin now was better than eating no Lenin in 15 years. The feast was very popular among people of all social and political backgrounds, but especially children. Reports say that children in attendance "couldn't get enough" and "were back in line for a second helping of Lenin's head."

Check back each week for more analytical ephemera. If you have suggestions of photos you would like me to analyze, email them to yourself. If you didn't read last week's Analyze This, then you totally blew it. You can find a link to it here, here, and here. Since you were wondering, the answer is still no...as a strict policy, I never hire ghosts. Lastly, commentary is accepted and expected.[/cut]